(the things i wish i could say)
Only the sound of my back breaking
But ever since you and your arms saved me
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
Dear M –
Jon Bellion has a song where the chorus repeats one line, “I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore”.
There are times when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. When marriage is on the rocks, when death strikes your womb, when the uncertainty of the future is overwhelming. Heaviness falls on your shoulders, pain becomes consuming, and it feels as though you are Atlas, holding up the entire world on our shoulders.
Atlas – “… the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders…1” – perhaps, this is how you are feeling? In a situation like this, I wonder, how can I support you? Unable to take the weight off your shoulders by myself, my heart breaks with yours. My back aches in empathy, yet it does not change anything for you.
…
Only the sound of my hands shaking
But ever since you and your arms saved me
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore
The repetitiveness of these lyrics is meditative to me. Lyrics become a prayer back to God as my heart breaks… when words are insufficient. I don’t have language to comfort such a deep wound – nothing to solve it all and take away the pain (as I would like to). It truly is only the sound of my hands shaking as I sit with God today.
Through my silent meditation, scripture comes into my mind – small promises glimmer hope in the midst of trembling arms and buckling knees.
“So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.”2 // I was made to sit here beside you, simply to be with you, grieve with you, be silent with you. With you. I will stay with you.
“To everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to break down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to count as lost,
a time to keep and a time to discard,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.3“
// With you, I will sit in the purpose of this season. Do you need to uproot? Time to heal? Weep and mourn? Cast away stones? Count as lost or find something? Do you need to tear out the seams right now? Do you need silence or a friend to process with? You are not alone, you have a community of people who love you deeply, we don’t expect you to be perfect or put together.
“I have seen the burden that God has laid upon the sons of men to occupy them. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom the work that God has done from beginning to end.3” // Right now, it feels like a burden. Maybe it always will. I stand on His promise, holding your hand and God’s hand, believing that He has made everything beautiful in its time. We dream for eternity, so the pain of the present is exacerbated when the world doesn’t match up to what has been put in our hearts.
My sweet, sweet friend – I pray the weight of the world is taken from your shoulders. There is another with you, always. Even when friends and family aren’t present, there is One who can take it away, you don’t have to hold the weight of the world anymore. When your back breaks and your hands shake, His arms will save you.
Don’t hold the weight
Of the world
I don’t hold the weight
I don’t hold the weight
Hannah Rachelle 
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